PDA

View Full Version : The Ultimate Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)



Dixie Devil
02-12-2009, 12:32 PM
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Air Force: O-6 and above: "Get that damned snake off the fairway!"

Armor: Runs over snake. Never knows it, as well as where he is on the battlefield. Continues directly ahead wondering what all those new buttons in his turret do.

Army Aviation: Has GPS ten digit grid to snake. Stands off at a range greater than any other weapon system and destroys snake with precision fires at a cost equivalent of one Mercedes 350S. Returns to base for fighter management and a "cool one".

Army Shrink: Attempts to get snake to explain its sexual feelings about its mother.

Chaplain: Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its ways.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in depth analysis based on obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snakes).

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Military Intelligence, G-2: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy.

Marines, Force Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Marines, Infantry: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Mech Infantry: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Military Intelligence, S-2: Reports to ground troops that snake is a non-combatant. Six Infantry wounded. MI states that if the ground forces would have read the nesting diagram provided in the 24 page enemy intel report, they would have known the snake was a possible threat.

Military Police, Criminal Investigation: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.

Missileers, Air Force: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Military Police, Field: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of operations.

Navy SeaBees: Build snake elaborate rec room, complete with secret still.

Navy, SEAL: Expends all ammunition and several grenades, then calls for naval gunfire in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites the SEAL, and dies of salt water poisoning. Hollywood makes film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy, Surface Action Group: Fires off 50 cruise missiles fro several ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Ordnance: IDs snake as having improper scales. Deadline snake and order parts against snake. Parts come in 15 days later but the snake has been upgraded to FMC due to scrounging of parts through improper channels.

Para-Rescue: Lands on snake upon descending, thereby injuring it, then feverishly works to save the snake’s life.

Pilot, A-10: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest, and manicure.

Pilot, Air Force, B-52: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Pilot, Air Force, F-15: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

Pilot, Air Force, F-16: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

Pilot, Air Force, Transport: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

Pilot, Army, AH-64 Apache: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

Pilot, Army, HH-53 Jolly Green Giant: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

Quartermaster: Encounters snake then loses contact. Can not identify who owns snake by hand receipts. Orders new snake through supply channels. Request is denied by higher authority; issuing the unit a snake will bring the manager to a zero balance; one snake must remain on hand at all times as per their boss' guidance.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate.

Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake dies of old age.

SJA: Swear they saw something like that on the Discovery Channel . . . spend weeks arguing if it was a snake or not.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transportation Corps: "Snake? What snake? We were sleeping in the truck."

War Correspondent: Decides snake is patriotic nationalist agrarian reformer being molested by imperialist U.S. forces, asks snake for directions to nearest bar. If bitten by snake, charges U.S. troops with neglect of duty to protect freedom of the press.

pdf27
02-12-2009, 03:34 PM
And the British equivalent....

Infantry
Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them & quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

Parachute Regiment
Lands on & kills snake.

Armour
Runs over snake, laughs & looks for more snakes.

Cavalry
Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective which is to hold London against Roundheads at all costs

RM Commando
Gets naked, plays with snake. Gets drunk with snake. Eats snake

Combat Engineer
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets & defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry & drowns.

Royal Artillery
Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake & kills it. Mission declared successful & all participants awarded gallantry medals.

Special Forces
Makes contact with snake & ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake & starts winning its heart & mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.

Royal Army Medical Service
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

Territorial Army
Kills snake by accident on weekend exercise. Keeps quiet about it.

University Officer Training Corps
Is not experienced enough to deal with snake. Waits until end of weekend exercise, takes snake to Students’ Union bar, gets drunk, sleeps with snake’s fat friend. Snake dies of embarrassment

Intelligence Corps
Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake bite.

REME
Finds snake, teaches it health & safety, COSHH regs, then crushes it in PAC change. Snake dies

Royal Signals
Mutters a lot about snake's role in the J6 plan. Configures snake to pass high bandwidth satellite comms. Snake ends up cooked on front of satellite dish aimed in the vague direction of "over there". No-one notices snake death until Comd's VTC connection drops 2 minutes before start time. Urgent search for replacement snake ongoing.

Adjutant General
Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

Defence Logistics Organisation
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £10.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes & ration packs by 2010. Snake experts from Special Forces & Ghurkhas ignored. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott & retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their index-linked pensions. Snake meat launched in service messes to resounding the resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters & sells snake meat holdings to Indian & Canadian Armed Forces.

Defence Procurement Agency
Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment & must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late & £3Bn pounds over budget, the project is scrapped & a COTS snake is bought from the USA for ££1Bn.

Whitehall Warrior
Initially denies knowledge of snake, but subsequently admits that snake was acquired on advice of intelligence services & secret legal advice. Announces inquiry which will lead to prosecution of service personnel who handled snake, whilst exonerating government ministers.

Royal Navy
Fires the entire UKs stock of Tomahawk missiles from its 4 remaining ships.Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to Parliamentary Select Committee on how naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

Royal Air Force
Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Spends £20Bn of Eurofrighter to counter snake threat. Loads air to air missiles by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so dumps missiles in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial & manicure.

British tabloid press
Invents lurid story about soldiers from 'elite' RLC laundry unit taking part in strange rituals involving snakes

pdf27
02-12-2009, 03:39 PM
And a related one....

AMENDMENT#93489321 (4TH EDITION) TO UK FORCES (IRAQ) SOPs:
ACTIONS ON: IMPROVISED EXPLOSIVE DEVICE (IED)

1.Household Cavalry.
Regard IED with haughty disdain and rustle Daily Telegraph angrily. Maintain presence of IED in Knightsbridge is “absolutely preposterous”. Return to regimental main effort of defending Central London from the roundheads.

2. Cavalry.
Declare IED as best thing since tinned champagne, hold impromptu Pimms party to celebrate. Declare subsequent IED detonation as even more “wizard prang”, extend Pimms party and incorporate mandatory drinking of champagne from remains of IED as regimental custom for next 300 years.

3.Footguards.
Reduce words-of-command and halting in quick time to a minimum. Deploy No.1 fatigue party in close-order to polish IED to acceptable standard, followed by No.2 fatigue party to paint IED blue-red-blue and swab immediate area. IED detonated by massed bands. Deploy 2 X Battalions- worth of fatigue parties to swab resulting mess.

4.Armoured Infantry.
Fail to see IED. Crush IED. On realising error, detract attention by initiating faked contact against nearest dwelling using all available weapon systems. Hide remains of IED in sidebin.

5.Light-Role Infantry.
Find IED. Fail to find solution to IED due to environmental differences to Salisbury Plain. Attempt cordon operation and set a new world record for miles of mine tape used. Withdraw to COB under cover of mine tape.

6.Parachute Regt.
Decide IED is a “hat”. Deploy most junior paratrooper to “crack the hat’s skull”. Call the junior paratrooper a “hat” when he gets blown up by IED. Remind all others that they are “hats” because they weren’t there.

7.Royal Marines.
Declare that IED is “hoofing”. Get junior men naked with IED as an initiation. Turn IED into an improvised free-weight for bench pressing. Indent for extra, extra supplementary rations from “the galley”. Hoofing.

8.SAS.
Deploy bearded men 200km behind IED using HALO-Landrover-Submarine insertion. Tab into area of IED and capture IED alive. Smuggle IED out in burka and extract to UK. Write a book per team member, all with hugely differing accounts of the OP.

9.SBS.
Get into black rubber suits. Steal IED as above. Construct black rubber suit for IED. Move to a special swimming pool and do bad, bad things with black-rubber-coated-IED. Turn on wave machine and let things get properly nasty. Be very grateful for UKSF non-disclosure policy.

10. SRR.
Dig hole in ground to hide in. Proceed to watch IED for ten days to make association to Bravos. Divert entire Brigades assets onto tasking. Manage to maintain dignity when informed three weeks later that it’s a small rock and not an IED.

11.Royal Artillery.
Level entire area ten square kilometres around IED. IED still functional. Repeatedly remind everyone that artillery neutralizes, it doesn’t destroy. Create promotional video of IED neutralization with images of Apache and accompanying Tina Turner soundtrack.

12. Medical Corps.
Send out a fit hottie to chat-up IED. Fit hottie lightly dabs a damp cloth over the IED to keep it cool and offers reassuring words. Ends up sleeping with IED before announcing undying love and marrying it. IED later detonates when it catches her in bed with an Irish Guards Private.

13. Chaplain Corp.
Approach the IED preaching about The Lord, oblivious to having entered a come-on. Rounds from nearby insurgents pass over and around the Padre without harming him. IED attempts to detonate and fails as some mysterious force prevents it from engaging. IED is later found giving sermons to scared soldiers new into theatre.

14.Royal Engineers.
Destroy IED using charge with 10-times explosive content of IED. Build SQN bar in crater. Use second massive charge to blow second crater in which to build & celebrate opening of SQN bar/gym complex with BBQs every night for the rest of tour. IED appears on next SQN t-shirt.

15.Royal Signals.
IED self destructs to avoid WESTLANDS BOWMANISATION.

16. BFBS Radio DJ’s.
Send shout-out on BFBS Radio 1 to IED wishing it good luck and playing ‘I Will Survive’. IED detonates out of shame and embarrassment.

17. Royal Military Police.
Issue IED with penalty fine of £1000 for loitering and not having FFD/Tourniquet/Morphine. IED detonates in anger and annoyance at the monkeys wasting its time. Surviving RMP’s issue IED with penalty charge for littering.

18.Army Air Corps.
Identify ideal opportunity to prove AAC has an offensive role and is not just a taxi service. Launch TOW missile at IED. Missile fails due to armaments contract being given to cheapest bidder. Accept that was the AAC’s only missile and disband.

19.Intelligence Corps.
Deny existence of IED to unit reporting IED, as they are not sufficiently cleared. Issue BG’s with a list of int-based questions to ask IED. Study Q&A analysis and find two main results:
A-Suggest IED may detonate having studied trend analysis of previous IED’s
B-Claim it’s part of a come-on involving 400 insurgents and Iranian heavy-armour, as that’s what the guy who cleans the toilets told them.

20.Div/Bde Headquarters.
Issue IED with a notification of controlled explosion. IED ignores/deletes message, as does the rest of theatre.

21. RLC.
Get pictures taken whilst posing next to IED with another Units GPMG. IED detonates due to someone making a video call on their mobile phone.

22. RAF.
Send the RFS out to investigate IED; fail to notice they never come back. RFS patrol later found upside down in a WMKII in a ditch, in Syria. Patrol Commander admits to being a ‘bit unsure about his position’, is informed his position is now ‘Private’

23.Navy.
Proclaim IED as a figment of the Army’s imagination. Go on a Mediterranean cruise for 3 months. Come back to Middle East waters. Proclaim IED as a figment of the Army’s imagination. (repeat indefinitely). Occasionally get taken hostage to relieve the monotony.

24. American Army. Send out a patrol in a hummer with Rhino deployed, then send out a Spectre gunship to destroy the nearest local village in retribution for when it all goes horribly, horribly wrong.

25. Australian Army.
Threaten to withdraw entire countries assets from theatre as they heard a rumour there was an IED identified 50 miles south of their position. Demand hand-holding by other already over-stretched British units and then complain when we make them actively look for more IEDs’.

26. Romanian Army.
Confuse IED with their gibberish native tongue. Sign the IED onto their stores and attempt to make it part of their armaments supply due to under funding by a government that’s abandoned them.

27 Danish Army.
Arrive in theatre and promptly invite IED to their camp to join in their BBQ and Drinks sessions held every night. Eventually starve to death as they’d forgot how to open their camp gates on account of having never left. IED detonates to attract attention and help.

28. Iraq Army.
Tip up five days after IED reported. Cordon area, remove IED. Corrupt elements of IA then move IED five hundred yards further along road and bury. Ensure MNFI that area is now clear.

29. Iraq Civilian.
Dig up IED, take to nearest MNFI post and attempt to sell IED. Upon refusal, attempts to sell IED to MJAM. MJAM take IED and bury it at target area. Civilian digs up IED, takes to nearest MNFI post and attempts to sell IED. And so on.

30. UK Aid Worker.
Show complete disregard for IED, fail to adhere to Foreign Office warnings on IED’s, pay no attention to MNFI briefs on IED’s and wonder what went wrong when their convoy gets destroyed by IED.

31. Security Contractor.
Use innocent civilian children to test road ahead of patrol for IED’s. When child finds IED, claim child is insurgent attempting a come-on and shoot child. And his family. And neighbours.

32. Private Contractor.
Find themselves lured to Iraq by greed. Make more money in a week than some soldiers do in a month. Laugh at poorly paid soldiers being blown up by IEDs’. Expect MNFI to help when they get blown up by IED. Wonder why we don’t respond.

MAJ GEN. Sir Quentin Farquin-Arson Winker (RET.)
DEC ‘07