WWII Related Humor.

[RifleMan20]

does anyone know any WW2 jokes

[Rising Sun]

Not jokes, but funny. The first one I've seen several references to and it may be a story that happened somewhere once. The second one is from, I think, the World at War TV series and occurred on Iwo Jima.

1. Japanese and American troops sometimes traded insults from foxholes etc. On one occasion there was an exchange along the lines of

Japanese "Fuck Roosevelt!"

American "Fuck Tojo!"

Japanese "Fuck Eleanor Roosevelt!" She was Roosevelt's wife, not young and not in the least attractive. After a pause an American voice called out "No, you fuck her!"

Both Japanese and Americans found it hilarious. They got back to killing each other later.


2. Several Americans were in a shell crater under heavy Japanese fire. As they launched themselves out of the crater a shell exploded nearby and blew them back in. One of them ended up lying on his back in the crater with a terrible wound, his mid section covered in blood and his wounded buttocks somehow lying on his front. Obviously his lower body had been separated from his torso. He looked down at his wound and said "Jesus Christ! I didn't think I was hit that bad." He became hysterical with fear. His mates became hysterical with laughter and couldn't fight for several minutes. Unlike the victim, they realised that somebody else or a body had been blown up by the shell and that someone else's buttocks had landed in their mate's lap.

[RifleMan20]

aw now thats comedy plz find more

[Bigcat]

heres one I looked up, on top of Berlin's radio tower. Hitler says he wants to do something to cheer up the people of Berlin. "Why don't you just jump?" suggests Göring. lol!! hope you liked it as much as I did!:D

[GermanSoldier]

Here is one I got off the Enternet. It is hilarious if you get it.
A World War 2 pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the Airforce.
"In 1942," he says " the situation was really tough. The Germans had a vey strong air force. I remember," he continues, " one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
(At this point,several children giggle.)
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediatey realized that there was another focker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and the boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says "I think that I should point out that the 'Focker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That is true." says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

Hoped you enjoyed the joke!

[RifleMan20]

:mrgreen: LOL hahaha thats a good one.......aw you made me crap myself:confused:

[Wolfgang Von Gottberg]

LOL... Messerschmitdt as in Mess of ****? I've heard that one LOL

[RifleMan20]

I found this one on the internet too:)

2 jewish assasins set an ambush where hitler passes at miday everyday
they have everything,guns,bombs,panzerfausts,etc

it gets to 11.55 and 1 jew says to the other,get ready

it gets to 12.00 and no sign of hitler...

they mutter to themselves and by now its 12.10

until finally it gets to 12.20 and one of the jews says to the other "he is late,hope nothing has happened to him"

[RifleMan20]

Heres another 1 I found online:
FYI might have rude language(like you care)or(you do care)am all confused now just read it.

If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

[GermanSoldier]

Hilarious RifleMan20 I was laughing the hole time. Very funny for because I am a Xbox Live gamer. I thought was the funniest when Patton was eliminated and nobody was even there to eliminate him!

[Chevan]

Very good, RifleMan:)
The new shape of humor with old prejudices.

[Rising Sun]

There are various versions of this one.

In the mid-1970's a Lufthansa flight is delayed in Berlin. Lufthansa offers the passengers a complimentary sightseeing tour of Berlin to fill in the time. A distinguished British passenger in his early fifties declines the offer. The Lufthansa official tries to persuade him that it is a beautiful city and worth seeing, rather than sitting in the airport. The British man still declines. The exasperated Lufthansa official finally says

"Do you know what you're missing out on? Have you seen Berlin before?"

The British man says "Yes. From 20,000 feet, and it was in flames."


The other ending is "Yes. In 1944, but we didn't land."

[RifleMan20]

Good,good now your turn Chevan;) ;) :mrgreen:

[GermanSoldier]

Game Joke
Join A Team
Axis Side-Hitler, Tojo, Stalin
Allie Side-Patton, Eisonhower, Churchill

Patton: I am getting in a jeep.
Eisonhower: I will get in the tanks.
Churchill: I will stay back and give you......information. Thats it.
Churchill: So one attack from their western front and the other attack from the eastern front.
Patton: I will go to the Western front.
Eisonhower: Then I will go eastern side

German side
Hitler: Stalin attack their eastern front with your infantry battalion or else.
Stalin: Or else what?
Hitler: Just do it.
Tojo: What can I do?
Hitler: Go get your men and blow each other up.
Tojo: Ok!
So Tojo gets all of his men and blows each other up. Tojo is elimianated.
Hitler: Finally he is gone. He does nothing to help the Axis forces.
Stalin engages the enemys eastern front. He sees the American Tanks.
Stalin:Retreat its Pattons army.
A russian soldier: why? it is not Pattons tanks.
Stalin pulls out his pistol and shots him. Then the Russian army retreats. They get back to the Axis force base.
Hitler: Why did you retreat?
Stalin: It was Pattons tanks.
Hitler: No it was not. your stupid. troops shoot the Russians!
Stalin: lets get out of here!
Stalin has switched to Allied Side
Patton: Switch back. I hate your guts and team.
Stalin: to bad to bad to bad to bad
Patton: shutup.
Montogomery has entered the game.
Patton: No way your playing. You are horriable at this game.
Montogomery has been booted from the game.
Patton: Thats right! Oh crap watch out for that tree.
BOOM!
Eisonhower: Patton! NO! Churchill are you there.
Churchill: This is no fun.
Churchill has left the game
Eisonhower: Forget this
Eisonhower has left the game
Stalin: Finally the english freaks are gone. Were invading Hitlers base at dawn
A russian soldier: it is already dawn sir.
He pulls out a pistol and shoots him.
Stalin: I knew that you Russian coward. ATTACK NOW COMRADES!

Axis forces
Hitler: Oh crap, here they come.
A soldier right by him gets sniped.
Hitler: This can not be happing!
He pulls out a pistol and shoots himself.
German Soldier: Your a stupid little coward Hitler!
Hitler with his last breath shoots the German with a bullet
Hitler has been elimianated.
Allies win
Stalin: That's right.
One of the russians that got shot was related to a soldier by Stalin
He shoots Stalin with his PPSH and then says
NO WE ARE THE TRUE WINNERS!
The rest of the Russians are elimianated for not having a leader.
Game Over

[RifleMan20]

Yo german soilder i look all online and coldnt find that one,did you make it???

[GermanSoldier]

Yo german soilder i look all online and coldnt find that one,did you make it???
yes i did make it. i do not thank it was real good, but i could be wrong.

[RifleMan20]

heh it was good because you made it all on your own,(thumbs up):):)

[Egorka]

This is from a site "Arian Wear". The uniform of neonazies.
I actually find it hilarious!

http://aryanwear.com/images/HappyHitlerT.jpg

I guess this must be Adolf before December 1941.

[Rising Sun*]

Who said "We shall fight them on the beaches ..."?

Winston Churchill


Who said "I shall return"?

Douglas MacArthur


Who said "What the fuck was that?"?

The Mayor of Hiroshima

[RifleMan20]

HA HA HA HA !!!! LOL good man good.

[Nickdfresh]

From The Beaches Of Normandy To The Streets Of Paris, My Platoon Was A Bunch Of Pussies
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/From-The.jpg
By Phil Schebler
September 5, 2007 | Issue 43•36

Like many good men my age, I was in the Big One, and I can tell you firsthand that war is hell. It's day after horrifying day of your worst fears come true. And when it came time to face those fears and be men, I could always count on my fellow leathernecks in the 202nd, without fail, to knuckle under and scatter like frightened little children.

You know, people like to throw the term "hero" around a lot when they talk about my generation. But I don't believe the men of the 202nd were heroes. No sir. The heroes were the ones who didn't stay curled up in their foxholes sucking their thumbs or jamming their fingers in their ears. The heroes were the ones who refused to pledge their complete and unwavering allegiance to Hitler the moment the enemy was in earshot. The heroes were the ones who didn't pretend to be dead for hours and sometimes days after a battle had been decided.

Those were the real heroes.

I don't know if it was fate or coincidence that brought us together, but I can say I served with 39 of the most craven, gutless pussies you ever laid eyes on—every last one of them quicker to cry than a colicky newborn. By God, there wasn't a major battle in the European Theater we didn't flee from like a flock of spooked pigeons. Even "Old Blood and Guts" Patton himself said we were the biggest bunch of lily-livered pisspants ever to disgrace the U.S. Armed Forces, and that's no exaggeration.

Yes, everyone knew our platoon. The Scamperin' Squirrels, they called us. Our girlish, high-pitched screams gave courage to Jerry from Nice to Luxembourg. "That's the Squirrels," the Krauts would yell, and they knew they didn't have a chance in hell of sustaining any losses.

I remember the Battle of the Bulge like it was yesterday: All us young men shoving one another out of the way, tripping over the wounded and dead with our white flags flapping in the frigid winter wind. Those images will be with me forever, even though I was blinded by tears most of the times I dared to open my eyes. We eventually surrendered to a confused Ardennes dairy farmer at the end of that first terrifying day. Boy, you should have seen the look on his face.

But hell, who didn't we surrender to? The enemy, the Allies, each other, it made no difference. One Panzer division refused to take us prisoner out of pure disgust. Can't say I blame 'em, really. We would drop our weapons at the first sound of tanks, planes, jeeps, horses, thunder, or almost any kind of shouting. I don't think I fired that damned gun more than once. None of us did. To be honest, we weren't too partial to loud, sudden noises.

And Normandy. Let's not forget Normandy. We were there, too. If you look closely at some of those old photos, you can just make out our Higgins Amphibious bobbing on the horizon, speeding away from Omaha Beach as fast as we dared until we were forced to turn around because of seasickness and a terrible fear of sharks. We eventually stormed a secluded little cove and waited it out until we were certain we could timidly skulk unseen through the streets of Paris.

No such luck, as it turned out. We were over a week late and the grateful Parisians still showered us with flowers while we cowered in the middle of the Champs-Élysées. I've never been so scared in my entire life, pinned down by that ceaseless barrage of daffodils. I'll always remember what my best buddy, Jimmy Conroy, said to me that day, a single tear—the first of many, many more—rolling down his cheek. "We ain't gonna die here, Phil," he said. "We're going to die old men."

And he was right.

Say what you will about the Squirrels, but every last one of us survived the war. We even got Purple Hearts, though there was some curiosity about how every member of a 40-man platoon could get shot in the foot on the same day in an Allied barrack 200 miles from the front lines.

There may be little talk about our part in the Second World War, but we secured our place in history as the most yellow-bellied, spineless members of the Greatest Generation that ever was.

The Onion (http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/from_the_beaches_of_normandy_to)

:D

[Rising Sun*]

Roflmfao

And for some strange reason the site is converting my caps to lower case when I submit.

[Sapper]

Ha! That was great!

[kallinikosdrama1992]

I know one about the air forces . The german troops used to say : When you see a green and brown painted fighter is british , when you see a white plane is american and all the invisible you can see are ours

[Dallas]

During the campaign in Northwest Europe in 1944 a German and British officer met under a flag of truce to allow the wounded to be tended to. They both noticed aircraft flying high overhead. The British officer turned to the German and said "you know whenever we see German aircraft we run run for cover." Then the German said "yes, and when we Germans see British planes we run for cover too." They both looked at each other a moment and then blurted out at the same time,"and when we see American aircraft everybody runs for cover."

[RifleMan20]

lol, thats a freaking good one, all those were

[snebold]

In Germany the state supported (and cheapest) radio was called a "Goebbels Mouth"
The permission from a doctor a couple needed in order to have children (for racial and genetic reasons) was called a "Breeding Pass".

The Germans people had some funny jokes about their leaders, unfortunately, I´ve only read them in books from the library, and can´t remember any of the top of my head.

In Denmark during the 2nd half of the war, some newpaper´s classifieds sections gave the editors problems with authorities (The official Nazi Germany had no humor):

Have: Mein Kampf [Hitler´s book]
Wanted: What Now, Little Man [another book title]

[B-17engineer]

Here..........I heard it in memphis bell but saw it online

A British flier is shot down over German-occupied France. He survives his combat but seriously injured. The German doctor has to amputate one of his legs. The British flier asks the doctor, "After you take off my leg, can you have one of your bombers drop it over England on their next raid?" The doctor thinks this a strange request but agrees to it. A few days later, they have to amputate his other leg. The British flier makes the same request, and the Germans agree. Then they have to take off an arm, and the flier makes the same request. Again, the Germans comply and drop his arm over England. Finally, they have to amputate his other arm and the flier makes the same request. The camp Kommandant interjects: "Nein! Ve cannot do zis! Ve suspekt you are trying to escape!"

[B-17engineer]

plane with german paratroopers above Greece.

The instructor guides every single parachutist to the door and pushes him out.

"Come on , come on , come on !" "We dont have time to mess around !"

"Out with you cowards!" "Come on ! The next one ! go go go!"

But one of them resists to jump by all means. He kicks punches and screams, tries to stem his legs against the doorframe.

"Out with you !" "We have no time for cowards !"

At last, the instructor gives him a kick and he flies out of the door...

The remaining parachutists start to laugh..

"You think that was funny or what ?"

"Funny ? , yes indeed sir.....that was the pilot"

[B-17engineer]

Guy: "Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic"
Father: "Well, I do not see anythign wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war"
Guy: "But Father, I collected rent from for every week that he stayed"
Father: "Well, that is not a good deed, but it was for a good cause, so that is fine."
Guy: "... but Father.... should I tell him the war is over?"

[32Bravo]

A common joke among the Tommiys of the British tank regiments in NorthAfrica, was:

"Our Major is so stupid, even the other Majors are beginning to notice!"

[B-17engineer]

:) :) haha

[Major Walter Schmidt]

From Yank Magazine.

My chocolate bar had only N number of raisins but the guy inn front had N< number of raisins!

Reply: Due to a groase and inexplicable err, the guy in front must have gotten an officer's Hershy.

[Major Walter Schmidt]

Another joke.

SSguyA: Our regiment will crush those commies and kick their butts so tojo will have to contend with them.
SSguyB: But.... You know, this has nothing to with commies but...
SSguyA: What?
SSguyB: Whats with the skulls on our caps? Skulls are supposed be the baddies? arnt they?
SSguyA: Skulls... Death, Destruction....Pirates?
SSguyB: But pirates are the baddies.
SSguyA: Shut up. This is causing low morale.

[Moreheaddriller]

This is one of the cruelest jokes i know but why did hitler kill himself?...He saw his gas bill!

Or whats hitler's least favorite planet...jupiter!

[herman2]

What did the Emperor say when he heard that Nagasaki was hit with an Atomic Bomb?
"Well at least they didn't bomb Tokyo"!!

What did Paul Tibbets (pilot of the Enola Gay) say when he dropped the Fat Boy on Hiroshima?
"Thank God Trueman didn't tell me to conserve fuel on the plane for environmental reasons, or fly low to avoid hitting the ducks"

[Major Walter Schmidt]

bloody stop it about the nukes.....

[B5N2KATE]

I'm going to tell a very naughty joke...one that I first heard when I was a child...it's direct from late WW2, as I found out from the guy that told it to us....

READERS HEALTH WARNING...You may find this offensive...

A German Kommandant in a Concentration camp decided he would address the inmates for laundry day...
Lining them up, he gazed along the rows....clearing his throat, he bellowed...

"JEWS....Today is LAUNDRY DAY. I would like all of you to take off your old underwear."

The inmates comply....

"Now...SWAP WITH THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU..."


Sorry...my bad...tasteless, but genuine example of VERY late WW2 humor.

[Chevan]

I'm going to tell a very naughty joke...one that I first heard when I was a child...it's direct from late WW2, as I found out from the guy that told it to us....

READERS HEALTH WARNING...You may find this offensive...

A German Kommandant in a Concentration camp decided he would address the inmates for laundry day...
Lining them up, he gazed along the rows....clearing his throat, he bellowed...

"JEWS....Today is LAUNDRY DAY. I would like all of you to take off your old underwear."

The inmates comply....

"Now...SWAP WITH THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU..."


Sorry...my bad...tasteless, but genuine example of VERY late WW2 humor.
Aha hah ha ha ha .
That's a great...never heard
I just wonder why you still has not been banned for "anti-semitism";)

[larryparamedic]

Here is one I got off the Enternet. It is hilarious if you get it.
A World War 2 pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the Airforce.
"In 1942," he says " the situation was really tough. The Germans had a vey strong air force. I remember," he continues, " one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
(At this point,several children giggle.)
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediatey realized that there was another focker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and the boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says "I think that I should point out that the 'Focker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That is true." says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

Hoped you enjoyed the joke!


I lmao at that one

[Major Walter Schmidt]

Whats lmao?

[Chevan]

Good,good now your turn Chevan;) ;) :mrgreen:

as you wish sir :)
here is my couple of cents
Not sure i will trunslate it right but though
"Germans has arrived to the ittle Ukraine village- start to steal the fowls, piges, rape the girls, treat the jews.
3 days they enjoyed , and only in four day their group-guide could explain them the war has ended 60 years ago and pulled them back to bus".

[Major Walter Schmidt]

as you wish sir :)
here is my couple of cents
Not sure i will trunslate it right but though
"Germans has arrived to the ittle Ukraine village- start to steal the fowls, piges, rape the girls, shoot the jews.
3 days they enjoyed , and only in four day their group-guide could explain them the war has ended 60 years ago and pulled them back to bus".

Funny one!:p :D.

[Chevan]

OK dude, then one more..
"The english fishman sit on the boat at sea.
Suddenly the old rust German submarine surfaces , the hatch opens , old germans capitan lifts the bearded head.
-Hey man , do you accidentaly know, has war ended?
fishman think , lets make a joke with him..
-No we still in war with Germany.
German captain , closing the the hatch and start to submerge
-OMG , damn , i'm so tired to sink those American convoys..."
:D

[Rising Sun*]

as you wish sir :)
here is my couple of cents
Not sure i will trunslate it right but though
"Germans has arrived to the ittle Ukraine village- start to steal the fowls, piges, rape the girls, treat the jews.
3 days they enjoyed , and only in four day their group-guide could explain them the war has ended 60 years ago and pulled them back to bus".

:mrgreen:

Early 1970's.

A British businessman is flying Lufthansa into Germany.

Gets held up for a long time at Hamburg airport.

Lufthansa organises a bus tour of Hamburg to occupy the passengers.

Brit refuses to go.

Lufthansa hostess says 'But have you seen Hamburg before?'

'Yes, from 20,000 feet and it was in flames.'


Other version is

'Yes, but we didn't land.'

[Rising Sun*]

British soldier returns to his wife in 1946 after being overseas for five years.

After his first home-cooked meal in five years they settle down in front of the fire to catch up on missed opportunities. During a deep embrace he asks her

'During the last five years of uncertainty and loneliness, were you ever unfaithful to me.'

She pauses, sobs, and says

'Yes. But only once.'

Devastated, but willing to overlook one liaison during all those years of loneliness, he asks

'Who with?'

'The First Battalion of the Black Watch.'

[Chevan]

British soldier returns to his wife in 1946 after being overseas for five years.

After his first home-cooked meal in five years they settle down in front of the fire to catch up on missed opportunities. During a deep embrace he asks her

'During the last five years of uncertainty and loneliness, were you ever unfaithful to me.'

She pauses, sobs, and says

'Yes. But only once.'

Devastated, but willing to overlook one liaison during all those years of loneliness, he asks

'Who with?'

'The First Battalion of the Black Watch.'

:mrgreen:
I'v heard this anecdote in other interpretation.
She answered..
"-Yes , but only two times, darling.
Once with football team, the second one - with Jazz-orchestra"..
:D

[Rising Sun*]

:mrgreen:
I'v heard this anecdote in other interpretation.
She answered..
"-Yes , but only two times, darling.
Once with football team, the second one

A long time ago when I used to do what were then called paternity suits, being court cases by an unmarried woman to get maintenance for a child from the alleged father, it used to be said that the standard defence by the alleged dad was to get his local football team to give evidence that they'd all been through her.

It worked, too.

Don't know whether to put up a funny face or a bloody sad one. It was quite brutal, really.

[pdf27]

Other version is
'Yes, but we didn't land.'

The most commonly seen version of that joke is:
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but I didn't stop."

[herman2]

You're an idiot!

[Major Walter Schmidt]

You're an idiot!

I agree with nick.

[Churchill]

Whats lmao?

Laugh My 4$$ Off...

[RifleMan20]

You're an idiot!

Whats was your original sentence, LOL

[RifleMan20]

O ya chevan, good one

[pdf27]

Whats was your original sentence, LOL
In extremely poor taste, relating to the dropping of the atomic bombs on Japan...

[DavidW]

ping!

[B5N2KATE]

A friend of mine, 72 year old Jean-Claude Gohier was travelling to France....he flew the German national carrier.(Lufthansa)....

....he mistakenly refered to it as the "Luftwaffe" whilst still on the plane...

The pretty German hostess refused to serve him drinks for the rest of the flight to Paris!

[herman2]

I agree with nick.

I don't agree and I personally thought my joke was funny. Jokes are entitled to opinion. I thought this thread was devoted to humour thus I entered a joke and after all my hard work I get name called. It's not very nice to gang up on a earnst member.I am submitting no more jokes in this thread since I am unappreciated....

[herman2]

You're an idiot!

If I may say for the record, the Master Mod and honourable Mr.Firefly has previously stated the following quote in a previous thread, and I would like to take this opportunity to quote Mr.Firefly
......""Originally Posted by Firefly
Take it from me. The best way to lose any respect here is to name call. Calling someone an idiot isnt necessary and isnt adult.

Please conduct yourself more civily in future, thanks. ""

.....I thus assume that Mr.Firefly's comments in a different thread are applicable to this thread so I enter my point of reference for your kind consideration...Thank You

[Major Walter Schmidt]

Ok. at least I wont... Im just gona pu label on you... I guess everyone knows whhat it is.
troll or tinwalt
:mrgreen::mrgreen:

[Nickdfresh]

If I may say for the record, the Master Mod and honourable Mr.Firefly has previously stated the following quote in a previous thread, and I would like to take this opportunity to quote Mr.Firefly
......""Originally Posted by Firefly
Take it from me. The best way to lose any respect here is to name call. Calling someone an idiot isnt necessary and isnt adult.

Please conduct yourself more civily in future, thanks. ""

.....I thus assume that Mr.Firefly's comments in a different thread are applicable to this thread so I enter my point of reference for your kind consideration...Thank You

But you're a troll posting inflammatory crap for the sake of it, which is by its very nature is the essence of idiocy...

[Rising Sun*]

But you're a troll posting inflammatory crap for the sake of it,

If I may correct you, my dear Moderator who is elevated on a celestial plane far above us mere mortals (although following my recent promotion we now share the same rank although you remain senior by date of appointment :D), Herman the Second does not post inflammatory crap.

He has never called for firebombing anything.

He posts atomic crap.

And that has to be the most powerful crap on the planet. :D

[Nickdfresh]

If I may correct you, my dear Moderator who is elevated on a celestial plane far above us mere mortals

Don't you forget it! :mad:

Or I'll sick my Zimbabwean henchmen on you and gerry the voting!

(although following my recent promotion we now share the same rank although you remain senior by date of appointment :D), Herman the Second does not post inflammatory crap.

Ha! Congratulations on a well earned rank for your posting. Sincerely pleased you made it this far...

He has never called for firebombing anything.

He posts atomic crap.

And that has to be the most powerful crap on the planet. :D

Yes yes. When both pdf27 and I are screaming about something, it has to be putrid...

Still, a part of me wants to either reform him into a viable and decent human being, or take the vocational avenue of paving over him and installing him in a useful career of parking lot speedbump. Take your pick...

[Rising Sun*]

Ha! Congratulations on a well earned rank for your posting. Sincerely pleased you made it this far...

Thanks.

Still, a part of me wants to either reform him into a viable and decent human being, or take the vocational avenue of paving over him and installing him in a useful career of parking lot speedbump. Take your pick...

Why don't you take the middle way, and just nail him to the road and let him up only if he reforms? :D

[Chevan]

Hey dudes, down with promotion and PRing of Herman.
He obviously has not deserved such attention as you paid for him.
This is thread about humor, don't spoil it.

[pdf27]

Herman the Second does not post inflammatory crap.
He has never called for firebombing anything.
He posts atomic crap.
I'm afraid I can't agree with you on that one. Nuclear weapons are very good indeed at setting fire to things, and could thus be described as "inflammatory".

[herman2]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nickdfresh
"Ha! Congratulations on a well earned rank for your posting. Sincerely pleased you made it this far... "

...Gentlemen, Gentlemen, I too have been promoted from Corporal to Sergeant, in case you forgot to notice, thus I believe a congratulation is in order, for me also:)...May I strive to be rank of captain one day, but until then, thank you WW2 Forum for allowing me to achieve my newly distinguished rank of Sergeant.

[Rising Sun*]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nickdfresh
"Ha! Congratulations on a well earned rank for your posting. Sincerely pleased you made it this far... "

...Gentlemen, Gentlemen, I too have been promoted from Corporal to Sergeant, in case you forgot to notice, thus I believe a congratulation is in order, for me also:)...May I strive to be rank of captain one day, but until then, thank you WW2 Forum for allowing me to achieve my newly distinguished rank of Sergeant.

Congratulations.

On defying the odds and lasting on the board long enough to be promoted. :D

[DavidW]

Guys.

Cut the name calling and associated crap. Let's get back to the jokes.

[Rising Sun*]

Guys.

Cut the name calling and associated crap. Let's get back to the jokes.

Why?

We're having fun, aren't we? :D

[RifleMan20]

Well, i guess you can be called jokes bc everyone is loled right

[B5N2KATE]

Congratulations for posting on the EXECUTIVE VERSION of this forum...

You have chosen wisely, and we value your discerning taste in deciding to contribute the few extra phrases for a forum of real quality...

Everything on this forum has been designed to exacting standards, that you have, naturally, come to expect...
The photos are from the finest pixels of quality, and have been produced to fit EXACTLY into your system, with all the precision of finest Swiss craftsmanship...

The language has been quality graded, to give you, the finest in viewing pleasure. There is little or no offensive material, apart from four c#nts, one cl#toris, and a f#reskin.....
And as they only appear in this congratulatory paragraph, you're past them now...

You can relax, and enjoy this quality forum, secure in the knowledge that it was created for the lover of fine things, and the man of good taste...

#%@&!

Sorry....we can edit that out can't we?...(Yeah...no problem....)

[ujroth]

Hello all friends....
Administrator is astonished because I didn't have a question...
I try to introduce a new thread but the system refuse it...
Is somebody can help me?
UR

[imi]

Who is the real aryan?
Who idolized a french general,have english mustache,and salute like a Italian.
British joke under the ww2

[herman2]

An American
An Aussie
And a British soldier
are on leave for 1 day from the battlefields and are real golf enthusiasts


They were waiting one morning for
a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The American chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such
poor golf!'
The British guy said, 'Here comes George the greens' keeper. Let's
have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the British guy, 'What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens' keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
Vets. They lost their sight fighting for our country , so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Aussie said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight.'
The British soldier said , 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'


The American said, 'Why the f--k can't they play at night?

[Major Walter Schmidt]

An American
An Aussie
And a British soldier
are on leave for 1 day from the battlefields and are real golf enthusiasts


They were waiting one morning for
a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The American chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such
poor golf!'
The British guy said, 'Here comes George the greens' keeper. Let's
have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the British guy, 'What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens' keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
Vets. They lost their sight fighting for our country , so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Aussie said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight.'
The British soldier said , 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'


The American said, 'Why the f--k can't they play at night?

LOL. good one! is it from wwii or did you make it?:D:D:D

[Hysteria__]

A quick poem I heard read by George Carlin, although I don't think he wrote it;

'Hitler, has only got one ball'
'Goering, has two but they are small'
'Himmler, has something simmler (similar)'
'But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all!'

[herman2]

Knock Knock

Whose There?

Da Bomb

Da bomb who?

Da Bomb is gonna blow down your door if you don’t open the fu**in door now!

[Major Walter Schmidt]

not exactly wwii
knock knock
whos there?
the doctor
the doctor who?
yes. thats me!

[herman2]

2239Atomic Bomb Joke:
....When it is the right time to use the F**** Word while driving your car~

[herman2]

:mrgreen:Some German History

1871 - Bismarck founds modern Germany.

1890 - Bismarck sacked, warmonger Wilhelm II takes direct control.

1914 - Germany starts World War I.

1914-1918 - Germany kills millions upon millions of people.

1917 - Germany force peace loving Americans to enter war.

1918 - Germany loses World War I.

1920's - Germans try democracy.

1933 - Germans reject democracy, allow Hitler to take power.

1939 - Germany starts World War II.

1939-1945 - Germany kills millions upon millions of people.

1941 - Germany force peace loving Americans to enter war.

1945 - Germany loses World War II.

1946 - Germans whine about lack of food, America gives billions in food aid to feed them.

1947 - Germans whine about crappy economy, America gives billions in Marshall Plan aid to rebuild German economy.

1948-1949 - America puts ass on line and risks WWIII to save a few Berliners from Soviet hordes.

1949 - Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) established.

1950's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1950's - German 'economic miracle' occurs while America keeps watch on Soviet hordes.

1955 - NATO formed to protect West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1960's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1960's - German students protest war in Vietnam and American civil rights.

1963 - American President John Kennedy makes "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech.

1970's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1970's - Germans form the Marxist terrorist group Red Army Faction (RAF).

1970's - Leftist German guerrillas burn, loot, and plunder much of West Germany.

1980's - America spends tens of billions to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1980's - German leftists bitch about Pershing II missiles.

1987 - American President Ronald Reagan makes "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall" speech.

1989 - Gorbachev tears down Berlin Wall.

1990 - German Reunification.

1990's - America spends tens of billions to defend Germany from Islamic hordes.

1990's - Germany stands by as ethnic cleansing occurs in Balkans.

1993 - Germany joins European Union.

1995 - Americans send troops to Bosnia as Germans watch from the sidelines.

1997 - Germans finally send troops to Bosnia.

1998 - Hard-line, left-of-left socialist come to power under Gerhard Schroeder.

1999 - American's lead air war to save Kosovo as Germans watch from the sidelines.

2001 - Schroeder offers solidarity to America after 9/11 attacks.

2002 - Schroeder bashes America to distract voters during election campaign.

2003 - Germany sees rise in anti-Americanism after several decades of poor treatment from America.

AND YOU THOUGHT THE FRENCH WERE A BUNCH OF UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS?:mrgreen:

[Chevan]

Germany force peace loving Americans to enter war.

PEACE LOVING Americans:)...Nice shortest joke i've even heard:mrgreen:


AND YOU THOUGHT THE FRENCH WERE A BUNCH OF UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS?:mrgreen:
Bet , they will first who would start to cry about American Occupation, right after the USA lose their world's dominant :)Just like Eastern Europeans suc..rs now cry about how terribly USSR suppresed them:)

[flamethrowerguy]

:mrgreen:Some German History

As a joke: real good (-:
If meant serious one could feel really offended as a german...but in spite of common opinion, germans do have humour!

[SS Ouche-Vittes]

Germans vs Russians in the trenches in the hot summer in the woods.
German perspective
G1: Hey look at the Russians!
narrator: Russians are exposed on top of their territory and are dancing some sort of ritual dance flailing their arms in a crouched position.
G2: Thats the weirdest thing i've ever seen
G3: Hey 2 of them are coming this way!
G1: Is this some sort of new tactic?
narrator: they raise their guns and aim at the dancing and approaching Russians.
G1: Don't shoot! They are unarmed!
Narator: 2 of the Germans get up comically and run to the Russians to join the dance. The 2 Germans turn around and come back dancing with the Russians.
G2 and G3: Holy shit!!! Bees!!!!!!!! Run!!!
narrator: The Germans and the 2 Russians run and jump into the German trench avoiding the overpassing bees. The rest of the Germans are then laughing. The Russians and the Germans are severely stung but are treated. The two Russians are captured.

This is a true story, i just don't recall it all.

[Chevan]

:D:mrgreen:

This is a true story, i just don't recall it all.

And who was a narrator?:)

[pdf27]

A quick poem I heard read by George Carlin, although I don't think he wrote it;

'Hitler, has only got one ball'
'Goering, has two but they are small'
'Himmler, has something simmler (similar)'
'But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all!'

They're the words to a very popular WW2 British song named "Colonel Bogey". It's actually a prewar march, but the words cropped up during the war and became very popular indeed. It was also used as the theme tune to "Bridge on the River Kwai".

Incidentally, it is generally thought that the bit about Hitler is probably true...

[SS Ouche-Vittes]

:D:mrgreen:


And who was a narrator?:)
the Narrator is a German who was there. The joke is from a book called Red Blood Snow: Memoirs from the eastern front. Fantastic book, it should be a film!:eek:

[Churchill]

If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

Dudes! My new sig is an animation of this!

[RifleMan20]

lol, That's awesome, where did you get that sig.

[Churchill]

I found it on a Cybernations alliance forum. I was really stunned when I found it...

[pdf27]

Yeah, well, please remove it again. It's 1.1MB and we do have a small number of people on dial-up connections. There are no specific rules on how big a sig can be, but as a rule of thumb if it's likely to slow down page loads we ask people to remove them. This very definately will.

[Nickdfresh]

I found it on a Cybernations alliance forum. I was really stunned when I found it...

It's a variation of a joke that's been around for years, only some added graphics. I've seen it circulated in emails or in other online forums...

[Churchill]

Yeah, well, please remove it again. It's 1.1MB and we do have a small number of people on dial-up connections. There are no specific rules on how big a sig can be, but as a rule of thumb if it's likely to slow down page loads we ask people to remove them. This very definately will.

You gotcha.

[herman2]

The New American Panzer!
2361

[Churchill]

The R&D department in the States is awsome.

[B5N2KATE]

Mobile American Warfare comes of age!

Do budget cutbacks have this much of an effect?

Reminds me of John Hill, speaking of American soldiers in the Ardennes.....

".....many German soldiers were amazed at the flippancy with which American troops abandoned their vehicles, and one was even heard to express that the U.S. Army had as many TRUCKS as it has footsoldiers!"

Still....it's a far cry from a time when George S. Patton Jnr was the ONLY person that could drive a tank in the entire United States! Georgie would certainly understand a lot of modern Americanisms in military affairs, including budget cutbacks...

Personnally, I thought it was the new Russian Army's urban assault vehicle.......

[Nickdfresh]

The New American Panzer!
2361


Um, it's "Canadian (Forces) tail gunner training," and it's hardly from WWII...

[Rising Sun*]

Um, it's "Canadian (Forces) tail gunner training," and it's hardly from WWII...

I should probably PM this to you, but as nobody is looking I'll post it here. ;)

You've missed the point, being a Yank and naturally focusing on the ass end. ;)

The real action is at the other end.

It's Canada's new jet engined ATRAV.

(ATRAV = All Terrain Running Away Vehicle :D)

It was designed and, in the photo, is test piloted, not very well, by Herman the Second, Canada's only person qualified to pilot an ATRAV which is powered purely by the gas expelled by the pilot which increases in proportion to the pilot's proximity to the enemy. :D

It's a shit of a system, but it works. :D

[herman2]

I'm not sure but I think RS is making fun of me and I don't like it. Personally I thought my joke on the new American Panzer looked funny. I will endeavour to try and find more interesting material for next time

[Nickdfresh]

I'm not sure but I think RS is making fun of me and I don't like it. Personally I thought my joke on the new American Panzer looked funny. I will endeavour to try and find more interesting material for next time


But, it is Canadian forces in that pic, and it is a fairly recent one...That's why it is dumb, and he should make fun of you!

[Nickdfresh]

I should probably PM this to you, but as nobody is looking I'll post it here. ;)

You've missed the point, being a Yank and naturally focusing on the ass end. ;)

The real action is at the other end.

It's Canada's new jet engined ATRAV.

(ATRAV = All Terrain Running Away Vehicle :D)

It was designed and, in the photo, is test piloted, not very well, by Herman the Second, Canada's only person qualified to pilot an ATRAV which is powered purely by the gas expelled by the pilot which increases in proportion to the pilot's proximity to the enemy. :D

It's a shit of a system, but it works. :D

:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4eE6rfk3eU

[Rising Sun*]

I'm not sure but I think RS is making fun of me and I don't like it.

I am, and I do like it.

[Chevan]

Um, it's "Canadian (Forces) tail gunner training," ..

But is Canada not a part of N.America and member of Nato?:D
I think mr Herman has formulated wrong .
This is obvioulsy newest secret high-tech NATO's jet engined ATRAV;)
Why newest? - becouse its made with STELS technology( invisible for radars;)).
I think this is ONLY STELS that have been supplied to Georgia;)

[Churchill]

A bad American design forced upon other NATO countries to build by the States...

[Nickdfresh]

But is Canada not a part of N.America and member of Nato?:D
I think mr Herman has formulated wrong .
This is obvioulsy newest secret high-tech NATO's jet engined ATRAV;)
Why newest? - becouse its made with STELS technology( invisible for radars;)).
I think this is ONLY STELS that have been supplied to Georgia;)

Are you kidding? It's also a great way to get fit for cycling and train for machine-gunning!

[Churchill]

Yeah, Americans(from the States) need to lose weight. The States are ranked as one of the fattest countries in the world. ;)

[RifleMan20]

By the end of your first training with it, you'll have legs of steel.

[RifleMan20]

Yeah, Americans(from the States) need to lose weight. The States are ranked as one of the fattest countries in the world. ;)

Ouch, that burned right here Churchill, whos number one, the uk oooooooooooooooooo, no no i have no idea.

[herman2]

One sunny day in 1946 an old man approached the Bundestag , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the German guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with Adolf Hitler”

The Guard looked at the man and said, "Sir, Adolf Hitler is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the Bundestag and said to the same Guard, "I would like to go in and meet with Adolf Hitler.”

The Guard again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Adolf Hitler is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the Bundestag and spoke to the very same Guard, saying "I would like to go in and meet with Adolf Hitler”.

The Guard, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Adolf Hitler

I've told you already that Adolf Hitler is no longer the president and no longer resides here.

Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Guard and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

[Egorka]

Just read this in the memoirs of Vladimir Voitsehovich (http://www.iremember.ru/content/view/670/21/lang,en/) who was assigned to be a comander of a mortar platoon in a penal batallion. This assignment was for a period of 3 months.

One of my soldiers was an ex-con niknamed "Fox". This "Fox" very sly and yet somewhat talanted individual. As I understood, he was a counterfeiter. And you can imagine that to make a deck of cards for him was a silly job. We had once a funny episode in the penal company related to the those cards. The penal soldiers were fond of playing cards, but our cheifcomander, Balanda, desided to put end to this habbit. He confiscated the deck, but the "Fox" made a new one. Then Balanda accompanied with two of his deputies came to their dugout and conducted a search. They searched everything and everywhere. Once. Twice. No result. Left empty handed. Then they made a surprise search, but with the same outcome. Then Balanda surrendered and said: "Listen, I will allow you to play cards, but tell me where you hid them." Apparantely every time Balanda entered the dugout soldiers secretly put the deck of cards into the pocked of Balanda himself and took it out when he left.

:)

[flamethrowerguy]

Unknown english Knight's Cross holder. Further information requested!

[ptimms]

From this picture I believe he may have been in the Luftwaffe.

[Major Walter Schmidt]

Realy? who is he?

[flamethrowerguy]

Realy? who is he?

Well, he was a "bomber", doing some "overkill".

[Major Walter Schmidt]

Well, he was a "bomber", doing some "overkill".

what do youmean by that?

[flamethrowerguy]

what do youmean by that?

You're obviously not a fan of the harder kind of music, Major!
http://www.imotorhead.com/

[flamethrowerguy]

From this picture I believe he may have been in the Luftwaffe.

I don't know, seems like he switched the branches:

http://www.thinkempire.com/blog/uploaded_images/gab-lemmy-741068.jpg
http://www.herbanmedia.com/ambglb/myspace/myspace-pics-t/182lemmy.jpg
http://idolator.com/assets/resources/2008/07/hattrick.jpg

[ptimms]

As Flame pointed out he is Lemmy, ex-Hawkwind bassist (he sang and played on the iconic Silver Machine) and Motorhead lead singer. Collector of Nazi memorabillia, consumer of near lethal amounts of drink and drugs and all round nutter. I've never seen them but my brother did (on the tour with the bomber stage I showed) and his ears rang for days. My personal favourite "We are the road crew"

Another town another place,
Another girl, another face,
Another truck, another race,
I'm eating junk, feeling bad,
Another night, I'm going mad,
My woman's leaving, I feel sad,
But I just love the life I lead,
Another beer is what I need,
Another gig my ears bleed,
We Are The Road Crew
Another town I've left behind,
Another drink completely blind,
Another hotel I can't find,
Another backstage pass for you,
Another tube of super glue,
Another border to get through,
I'm driving like a maniac,
Driving way to hell and back,
Another room a case to pack,
We Are The Road Crew

Another hotel we can burn,
Another screw, another turn,
Another Europe map to learn,
Another truckstop on the way,
Another game that I can play,
Another word I learn to say,
Another blasted customs post,
Another bloody foreign coast,
Another set of scars to boast,
We Are The Road Crew

[flamethrowerguy]

Paul just solved the mistery of our unknown english knight's cross holder. I saw Motörhead live on a belgian open air festival 3 years ago. Like Paul wrote, Lemmy was loaded like a freight train. It was also mentioned that Mr. Kilmister is a collector of Nazi memorabillia, which caused him some trouble with german law enforcers lately because he chose to wear an SS cap on stage including the pertinent insignia. I read an interesting statement of Lemmy which would fit perfectly in another real busy thread of the site:
"I'll tell you something about history. From the beginning of time, the bad guys always had the best uniforms. Napoleon, the Confederates, the Nazis. They all had killer uniforms. I mean, the SS uniform is fucking brilliant! They were the rock stars of that time. What you're gonna do? They just look good. Don't tell me, I'm a Nazi 'cause I have uniforms. In 1967 I had my first black girlfriend and a lot of more ever since then. I just don't understand racism, I never thought it was an option."

[ptimms]

He has had criticism levelled at him for the Nazi regalia thing. I think it's done for shock effect (Marilyn Manson does it too) Metal bands should be scary and he is.

How long were you deafened for.

"You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools,
But that's the way I like it baby,
I don't wanna live for ever,"

I saw the Rammstein video for (is it ?) Die Sonne the other day With Snow White and the Dwarfs. Wierd.

[flamethrowerguy]

How long were you deafened for.
"Stone deaf forever" to cite them! No, it's not really that bad on an open air event. An inside gig would be much worse!

"You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools,
But that's the way I like it baby,
I don't wanna live for ever,"
From "Ace of Spades". My all-time Motörhead fave along with "Orgasmatron"

"I saw the Rammstein video for (is it ?) Die Sonne the other day With Snow White and the Dwarfs. Wierd.

Right, it's from "Sonne". Snow White on crack was kind of an eyecatcher in this video. These Rammstein guys are some strange birds as well, they have to deal with Nazi allegations as well. Probably because of their martial music, lyrics and looks...and because the singer rolls the RRRRRRRRRRRR all the time like it was a Hitler speach. I am surely no fan but after all I am sure the allegations are crap.

[ptimms]

I love anything with loud guitar and I wouldn't say I was a fan but some of their stuff makes me laugh and I catch the odd phrase and word here and there which helps. I think to accuse them of Nazism because he rolls his R's is a bit much. Wasn't there something to do with Leni Reifenstahl as well. I'm sure it's all crap anyway.

[flamethrowerguy]

I love anything with loud guitar and I wouldn't say I was a fan but some of their stuff makes me laugh and I catch the odd phrase and word here and there which helps. I think to accuse them of Nazism because he rolls his R's is a bit much. Wasn't there something to do with Leni Reifenstahl as well. I'm sure it's all crap anyway.

Right, I think I remember they used some Riefenthal outtakes in one of their videos. Same for me with the loud guitars, Paul. It's especially the english bands I love: Black Sabbath (!!!), Iron Maiden, Led Zep, Deep Purple, Judas Priest, Motörhead, Queen....

[ptimms]

I saw Iron Maiden at Donnington out of this world, also Whitesnake, Metallica, Meatloaf (not really metal, but fits the bill just). I am have a punk revival (I was there the first time) and love Green Day, Rancid and others. Also Marilyn Manson.

[flamethrowerguy]

Soviet commissar to a group of Komsomols:
"Comrade Stalin is your father! And Russia is your mother!"

He goes to the first kid in the row.
"What do you want to become in life?"

Komsomol: "An orphan!"

[Ardee]

Occupied France, 1943. A passenger train is fully loaded, and a German soldier, on leave, finds himself forced to share a compartment with a little old lady, a pretty French girl, and a burly French man. The train enters a long tunnel, and everything goes black. A loud kiss is heard, followed by a resounding blow of flesh hitting flesh. The train emerges from the tunnel, and the German is seen to be nursing a huge black eye.

"Ah," the German thinks to himself, "that Frenchman is so lucky - he steals a kiss, and I get the blame!"

"Good for her!" thinks the little old lady. "We need more young people to stand up against these Germans!"

The pretty French girl is puzzled. "Why would the German try to kiss that little old lady?"

And the Frenchman thinks: "I am so clever! I kiss the back of my hand, punch the German, and no one even suspects me!"

[flamethrowerguy]

That's a good one. I've known it in a modern version with a german, a dutch, a young woman and a nun. The dutch is the goon in that version though...

[mavericck]

Yeah, Americans(from the States) need to lose weight. The States are ranked as one of the fattest countries in the world. ;)

You should take a look at the fatty in your avatar.

[Churchill]

Man, at least I have one, and I said that in a joking manner... The States were ranked 9th as of Febuary 8th, 2007. Source (http://www.forbes.com/health/2007/02/07/worlds-fattest-countries-forbeslife-cx_ls_0208worldfat_2.html)

[aly j]

Yeah, Americans(from the States) need to lose weight. The States are ranked as one of the fattest countries in the world. ;)

very very very true.........................yes they r

[Churchill]

Well, Australia is 19th.

And besides, most people in just about every country could lose some weight. No country(except maybe countries like Andorra, Monaco, and The Vatican City because they are so small) is immune from overweight people. Still the previously stated three countries still have people who are over weight, I'm just guessing a lower percentage than the rest.

[RifleMan20]

Some countries need to GAIN weight, like some of the starving Africans and there government won't help, though its much better now.

[flamethrowerguy]

I think in the countries ranking 1-7 being fat is an ideal of beauty or at least a mark of wealth.
BTW, Germany is only on 43, our economy hasn't recovered still...

[Ardee]

Okay, I keep getting "update messages, and come expecting to see some jokes! :o Cna we get the thread back on topic? ;)

[Churchill]

Go ahead and post some jokes, you're the one who wants them! :)

[herman2]

Heres something funny that the real Churchill stated:

Americans always try to do the right thing --
after they've tried everything else.

I thought that was so funny!

[Churchill]

Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. - Jon Stewart

Sure, not WWII related directly, but Germany at war is in there... Somewhere...

The war has developed not necessarily to Japan's advantage. (Emperor Hirohito, announcing Japan's surrender after atom bombs destroyed Hiroshima and Nagasaki)

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”
Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”

Better?

[navyson]

[quote=Churchill;135123]Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. - Jon Stewart]

Ha-ha! hadn't heard that one!:lol:

[DavidW]

You should take a look at the fatty in your avatar.


Churchill wasn't overweight.


He was underheight!

[Churchill]

Churchill wasn't overweight.


He was underheight!

Thanks, I think...:roll::D

[flamethrowerguy]

"Like Hitler I am sitting here, the brown masses to my rear."

(Still) a popular writing at public restroom walls.

[Churchill]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KufHGYKqH9E

It's a joke, so take it as one. Don't watch if you are offended by light nudity and light vulgarity.

[Nickdfresh]

I don't know, seems like he switched the branches:

http://www.thinkempire.com/blog/uploaded_images/gab-lemmy-741068.jpg
http://www.herbanmedia.com/ambglb/myspace/myspace-pics-t/182lemmy.jpg
http://idolator.com/assets/resources/2008/07/hattrick.jpg


Who's that? "Lemme" from Motorhead? I heard he "switches" a lot of things...

[Nickdfresh]

One of my favorites! :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aObgC5A5pr4 (From the Film NFSCD)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvj1QGqfQyg (orig. TV skit)

[Nickdfresh]

Sage advice:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zekiZYSVdeQ

[ww11freak34]

churchill that videos funny

[Churchill]

Yup. It's in German, French, and English.

[kamehouse]

Just reading a book about Schwere SS-Pz-Abt 502 and found this quite funny:
While the approaching the ssamara river near Kharkov in February 43,the Das Reich met up with the gepanzerte Gruppe of the Totenkopf.
Messages were quickly sent in the clear to these forces:"Don't fire!Forward elements of Ss-Reich!"
the response from Totenkopf was:"we only fire at targets that have value!"
Who said the Waffen-SS didn't have a sense of humour?:rolleyes:

[mavericck]

Just reading a book about Schwere SS-Pz-Abt 502 and found this quite funny:
While the approaching the ssamara river near Kharkov in February 43,the Das Reich met up with the gepanzerte Gruppe of the Totenkopf.
Messages were quickly sent in the clear to these forces:"Don't fire!Forward elements of Ss-Reich!"
the response from Totenkopf was:"we only fire at targets that have value!"
Who said the Waffen-SS didn't have a sense of humour?:rolleyes:

That was pretty funny.