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Rising Sun*
08-20-2013, 08:11 AM
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir.. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

Cuts
05-27-2014, 07:21 AM
...

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

There has been a dramatic fall in both recruiting and retention since Cherie Booth QC informed the Fleet that this particular activity is to be made compulsory.

JR*
06-12-2014, 09:32 AM
Very amusing, gentlemen. Of course, a more basic reason why Trafalgar could not occur today is that, given the British Government's apparent policy of reducing its naval capacity to near-zero, Nelson and Hardy would probably have to face the dastardly Frog and the perfidious Paella-eater in a rowboat, armed with matchlock pistols ... Yours from the Decommissioning Ministry, JR.

Rising Sun*
06-12-2014, 10:21 AM
Very amusing, gentlemen. Of course, a more basic reason why Trafalgar could not occur today is that, given the British Government's apparent policy of reducing its naval capacity to near-zero, Nelson and Hardy would probably have to face the dastardly Frog and the perfidious Paella-eater in a rowboat, armed with matchlock pistols ... Yours from the Decommissioning Ministry, JR.

.....


And maybe a swivel gun.


7085

tankgeezer
06-12-2014, 04:44 PM
His, or Her Majesty would simply have all commercial Duck hunters impressed into the Navy to form one Mighty Punt Armada.

pdf27
06-13-2014, 11:30 AM
Very amusing, gentlemen. Of course, a more basic reason why Trafalgar could not occur today is that, given the British Government's apparent policy of reducing its naval capacity to near-zero, Nelson and Hardy would probably have to face the dastardly Frog and the perfidious Paella-eater in a rowboat, armed with matchlock pistols ... Yours from the Decommissioning Ministry, JR.
<shrugs> The RN is a lot smaller than it was in Nelson's day, but it's still exceedingly capable. Remember that the RN and USN are really the only navies capable of deploying anywhere on earth on a regular basis - everybody else is really only a regional navy.

JR*
06-19-2014, 05:01 AM
I would never deride or underestimate the Royal Navy - one of the great military forces in history, and still (generally) very capable at its present level. There is no doubt, however, that its capacities relative to other navies have been greatly circumscribed by waves of budget cuts; logical, perhaps, in terms of the UK's less prominent role in the world (in that context, even heavier cuts might be justified, some would say). Worth asking oneself - how would a British "recovery operation" to the Falklands/Malvinas fare now ? Could they do now what they did then ? I would have grave doubts.

As to the capacities of other navies - the USN is still the clear leader by a nautical mile. However, just because the Chinese Navy tends to stay in its own back pond should not be taken to mean that it is not, already, capable of much more, and the Russians have not exactly gone away. Oh well. England, no doubt, still expects every man to do his duty - even during a lacuna in the aircraft carrier department ... Best regards, JR.

pdf27
06-19-2014, 01:05 PM
Worth asking oneself - how would a British "recovery operation" to the Falklands/Malvinas fare now ? Could they do now what they did then ? I would have grave doubts.
The answer to that has to be "f*** yeah!". The Type 45 is a vastly more capable area air defence system than Harrier ever was, submarine-launched Tomahawk is a far more usable and lethal capability than Vulcan and the Royal Navy's amphibious lift capabilities are unrecognisably better. Once on land, things are little better for Argentina - after a decade of war in Iraq and Afghanistan the Infantry and Marines are probably the most capable they've ever been.
Argentina on the other hand are a basket case, even compared to 1982. Their air force is still flying the same aircraft (without even attrition replacements for the aircraft they lost in 1982, by and large), and their Navy is so far down the plughole that the Santissima Trinidad recently sank at her moorings in harbour. The entire Argentine navy spent just 161 days at sea last year (http://thinpinstripedline.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/just-how-bad-can-it-get-for-argentinean.html) (that is, the aggregate of all their ships' time at sea) - less than the average Royal Navy warship. The Army are the best of a bad lot (mostly because training for them is relatively cheap), but even so they're light years behind NATO (there have been massive changes, particularly in ISTAR over the past few years - and not all that many countries have kept up).

It's all a bit academic anyway - the 4 Typhoons permanently stationed there have almost as much combat power as the entire FAA, and the permanent garrison are more than powerful enough to hold Mount Pleasant for long enough for the British to fly in 16 Air Assault Brigade. At that point it's essentially game over.

JR*
06-20-2014, 06:29 AM
Very interesting, pdf27. Thanks for the response. As an Irishman, I can't help feeling a little sad at the decline of the Argentinian Navy, which was arguably the critical military arm in securing the survival of the Argentinian state in its earliest days. And, oh, it was founded by an Irishman ... Best regards, JR.